Jesus for President 2016

Dear Friend,

On January 12 I had an issue with Adobe Bridge CS5 (which has a forever license and doesn’t require a subscription or internet connection, so I’m loathe to abandon it) where Bridge kept crashing as soon as I navigated to the Downloads folder on Windows 10. I was trying to batch edit metadata with Bridge, but after an hour of trying, I decided to use an open source software called XnView MP (64-bit). It didn’t work either, but for a different reason: I couldn’t figure out how to view the metadata. This was so frustrating!

Eventually, I tried one last time to edit the metadata and had some success by editing files individually in Photoshop. Pressing the keyboard shortcut or “hotkey” CTRL + SHIFT + ALT + I brings up the metadata editing interface. But, here again I ran into yet a third problem: The metadata had recorded the wrong created date! I checked the forums for a solution and all I could find similarly worded post titles but upon closer inspection the issues were not the same as mine and few solutions offered.

UPDATE: 01/17/20 – Carl Siebert offers this solution on how to view and batch edit image metadata:

Tools > Metadata > Edit IPTC/XMP

I gave up on batch editing metadata for the night and at some point jumped on Quora. One Quoran asked the question “How did you feel when Trump beat Clinton?” The following post was inspired by this Quora question.

What A Friend We Have in Jesus

I thought he couldn’t do any worse than the clown and and the man-hating career politician who were now the party nominees.

All of the choices at the end of 2016 seemed untenable, and so I chose to support a different candidate: Jesus.

Yes. That’s right. Jesus.

No, I wasn’t trying to thumb my nose at the political process, although as a dabbler in some teachings of the sovereign citizen movement at the time and a cannabis freedom activist, the ‘motive’ would seem to fit, as they would say in the procedural TV shows like Law & Order: SVU, CSI, etc.

I voted for Jesus because I thought he couldn’t do any worse than the clown and and the man-hating career politician who were now the party nominees.

Oh … you think I meant Jesus of Nazareth? … no, no, no! In 2016 I didn’t even consider myself a Christian back then!

The Jesus I am referring to is not the Nazarene mentioned in the Bible. Rather, he is an actor of Native American descent, like myself. Ok, well there is no proof that I am Native American, just a bunch of family lore. Yet, still I feel it in my bones.

But Jesus is definitely Hispanic and if I remember right he claims Mayan descent.

In 2015 I became aware through Facebook that my friend Jesus Payan (AKA: Jesus Jr.) was a legit 2016 presidential candidate.

How I First Met Jesus

I first met Jesus in a freak encounter at a Wal-Mart in Houston. I worked for HP at the time and it was last day of the first of two weeks training in laser printer repair on the new multifunction printer at Laser Jet University.

I love ice cream and I wanted to celebrate with my coworkers so I planned a small ice cream float (dulce de leche Hagen Daz with Moets champagne) party in my hotel room. I was in Wal-Mart buying supplies when I saw a giant ‘gangsta-thug’-looking character approaching little old ladies and women with children, apparently trying to sell them something.

I could see the mild shock on an elderly white lady’s face when this colossal, intimidating Latino man approached her.

I saw a young woman with her two children politely, but somewhat fearfully decline whatever it was he was offering, and then quickly move away.

But, strangely I was not fearful at all. I probably weighed 180 soaking wet and I knew this guy could probably strangle me if he wanted, but I didn’t feel that kind of vibe from him. Rather, I was very curious that someone who looked “Straight Outta Compton” was politely approaching shoppers inside a Wal-Mart in Houston.

So, I walked up to him and asked him why he was approaching people. He could have reacted very offended but he didn’t. Not once. Before I even knew his name, I could tell there was Jesus in him.

“Do you want to meet her?”

He told me he was selling a friend’s CD for him. He said his friend was an up-and-coming male R&B singer, a rising star. I never heard of the dude, but as a musician myself I knew I could spare $5 bucks to help out a fellow struggling musician. So, I bought the CD and I guess we got to talking and he started telling me all kinds of fantastic things that was blowing my mind a little.

“I knew I could spare $5 bucks to help out a fellow struggling musician. So, I bought the CD and I guess we got to talking and he started telling me all kinds of fantastic things that was blowing my mind a little.”

He told me his name was Jesus and that he was a bodyguard and stuntman in Hollywood and had some small roles as heavies in movies. He said the artist who’s CD he was selling (Andre Allen) was the boyfriend of Dawn from En Vogue. I was all like “I LOVE En Vogue! I love their song Free Your Mind!” Then he said “Dawn is out in the RV in the parking lot. Do you want to meet her?”

For a split second, my mind raced back to all the times I missed out because of my fear:

• I could have hung out backstage with the rapper Twista if I had only spoken up because a friend from high school was working security; how I regretted not speaking up.
• In 2005 when I was working temporarily at Sprint right after they merged with Nextel, Hurricane Katrina had just happened and a lot of displaced New Orleans residents were flooding into the Waterloo/Cedar Falls region of Iowa. Somebody who said he was a musical artist — I forget who now — a black guy dressed really nice with just the right amount of gold and platinum jewelry invited me to come on his tour bus, but I declined because I was afraid it was a man-rape trap.
• The kind black man who had helped me learn how to type at the unemployment office in Waterloo, Iowa (using Broderbund’s Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing software) who invited me to go camping with him and a few other boys in 2008. Again, I was afraid it was a rape trap. We’d get up there in the cabin and be alone and this guy was a Tae Kwon Do instructor — what would I have been able to do if he tried anything?
• The time I wrote an impromptu rap for Chuck D after a presentation he gave at my college, and he liked it and said to email his manager and I never did because I didn’t really think I was that good.
• Meeting Kal Penn, Olivia Wilde and Megalyn Echikunwoke when they were stumping for Obama in Cedar Falls, Iowa (2008) and not having my camera to take a photo (before smartphones were ubiquitous).

All that flashed before me in the blink of an eye. I had been wary too long. I felt like I would regret missing out on this opportunity because of fear. I knew this was a turning-point, a “red pill” moment. I said “Yes!”

Steven Seagal’s Cat

So, Jesus and I walk out of Wal-Mart together after I’ve completed my purchases and we are walking to the parking lot. At this point, I asked how he met Dawn and that’s when he says he met her bodyguarding. Then he tells me he just finished shooting a movie called “Urban Justice” with Steven Seagal. I think he sensed my disbelief a little bit. As if to assure me that he’s legit, he starts flipping through his flip phone (this was right before the first real smartphones came out) and showing me tiny one inch by 1.5 inch images. Then he showed me one of a cat in a hotel room on a bed and said “That’s Steven Seagal’s cat.” Then he flipped one more image and said “That’s Steven Seagal – he’s a pretty good guitarist.” — Lo and behold, it WAS Steven Seagal sitting on the bed in the hotel, acoustic guitar in hand with an orange tabby (if I remember correctly) next to him. In my mind, my jaw was on the floor a little. I LOVED Steven Seagal’s movies and the characters he played. Especially in “Hard to Kill“, “Under Siege“, “The Glimmer Man” and “Fire Down Below“. All excellent flicks in my opinion.

And here this guy said he not only knew Steven Seagal, but was actually friends with him!

Jesus Payan Jr. in his first speaking role as a hispanic gang member in “Urban Justice” (2007).

Jesus is Just Alright With Me

That did the trick. I decided this guy must be alright and if I was wrong I was wrong, but I was going to take the chance and accept the consequences of my decision, come what may.

Well, about a minute or so later we approach a small truck camper or Winnebago type vehicle. It was much smaller than I was expecting. Oldish, beat-up and somewhat dirty — not at all what I would expect celebrities to be rolling in. Unless they were incognito. It was very punk.

“if I was wrong I was wrong, but I was going to take the chance and accept the consequences of my decision, come what may.”

Anyway, he had me wait for a second and told the college-age golden-almond-skinned guy (Andre) in the front that I was a big fan of Dawn and would she be willing to pop out for a minute so I could meet her?

And damned if Dawn Robinson from En Vogue didn’t just crawl over the front seat to shake my hand and say hi!

I was semi-awestruck, honored but I wasn’t tongue-tied or anything. She was polite and talked to me for a few minutes, but looked like she must have needed sleep so I didn’t keep them but a few minutes.

Well, at that point I knew Jesus was for real! We parted ways and he said was on MySpace, so I looked him up and friended him and we have been messaging and stuff ever since.

He even invited me to come hang out with him and some other celebrities at a nightclub he owned in New Mexico around 2007, but I declined because I was too dedicated to my work fixing printers and laptops for HP as a Field Service Engineer.

I followed Jesus for years on social media, but lost touch between 2011 and 2014 — a lot was going on in my life to say the least. But, I checked back in with him when I saw he was running for president in 2015, and boy he’d been busy!

By this time he had done some more movies where he played “heavies” and “thugs”, a movie with Denzel Washington called “Two Guns”, and a thug named “Gonzo” in AMC’s most popular crime drama ever, Breaking Bad, reprising that role in the pilot of the Breaking Bad spin-off, Better Call Saul.

Vice President David A. Velarde (Almost)

Actor/Director/Writer Joseph Thomas “Joe” Bailey and I helped found the Portland Community College Pagan Council Club as a group for pagans and the pagan-curious in 2014. But, since it was just us and we both had other obligations it was hard to manage it so we kinda let it die. I created some graphics for a website, but when I never heard back from Joe I just kinda gave up. I found out later that Joe didn’t reply because he had had a stroke. Talk about bad luck!

After hanging out with Joe at entertainment industry events, attending meetings with minority actor advocacy groups, and just basically being friends with Joe for a few years, when he, David Velarde and LaRonn Katchia founded the Native American Entertainment Coalition (NAEC) in 2015 (and received their 501c3 certification in 2016) I designed a logo concept, mocked up a website, and became a founding member. As an active member (in late 2015), I reached out to Lee Francis who was at that time planning and advertising to host the very first Indigenous Comic Con (in the world) ever, in Albuquerque the following year. I let Lee know that Teowisonte (AKA: Thomas Deere), a comic artist on the transformers series, whose work I greatly admire, might be a great idea for a guest speaker, as well as Joe Bailey and Jesus Jr.

Well, I was planning to go, but it didn’t work out. I was in college at the time pursuing a web design certificate and by this time I was actively following my spiritual guidance that told me now was not the time for me to go. And I had to complete probation for that marijuana smuggling charge and wasn’t allowed to leave the state at the time without permission, so there was that …

When the day of the Con came in (November?) 2016, I was communicating with Joe on Skype and he showed me who they were sitting there chatting with. Sitting next to him was the famous Hunkpapa/Maricopa Native American flautist and singer Robert Tree Cody (Joe just calls him “Tree”), our mutual friend David Velarde and Jesus Jr.

But, I’m digressing. Maybe the Indigenous Comic Con can be a topic for a different post?

Jesus Enters the US Presidential Race

Anyway, back to Jesus … In 2015 I became aware that Jesus was running for the office of the President of the United States. I thought that was so cool. And he was a Democrat like me. If he got elected, I thought, we could stop fighting the man and start fixing the broken system. I monitored the presidential situation and as I mentioned at the beginning, neither Hillary (Clinton) nor (Donald) Trump seemed like good choices for President. But, they were the nominees. Unless a third party candidate had an upset somehow, one of those two horrible people would be our next commander-in-chief. I didn’t hate Hillary and I didn’t love Trump.

As election day neared, I made up my mind what I would do: I was gonna vote for my friend Jesus! He probably wasn’t going to win, but who knows — he might!

On November 8, 2016 I cast my vote for Jesus Payan Jr. I even took a photograph of my ballot for proof and posted it on Facebook for the world to see.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Jesus is also a big enthusiast of hunting for Sasquatch/Big Foot?